The Four Horsemen in Relationships: What They Actually Look Like (With Real Examples)
Most couples who learn about the Four Horsemen nod along and think: yes, that's us.
They recognize the patterns in the names. Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling. They understand, at least intellectually, what each one means. Sometimes they can even identify which one they default to.
And then they go home and have the exact same conversation they always have.
Because knowing the names of the patterns is completely different from catching them in the moment. And catching them in the moment is completely different from doing something different when you're already activated, already hurt, already in it.
This post is for the gap between knowing and doing. Specifically: what the Four Horsemen actually look like in real conversations, how they disguise themselves so you don't recognize them until it's too late, and what the research says actually works instead.
If you want the overview first, I wrote about the Gottman Method and what the Four Horsemen are in an earlier post. This one goes deeper.
Why good people use the Four Horsemen
Before getting into each one, it's worth saying this clearly: the Four Horsemen are not character flaws. They are not signs that you don't love your partner or that your relationship is broken.
They are communication strategies that almost everyone learns, to varying degrees, in their family of origin. They were often adaptive in the environment they developed in. They persist into adult relationships because they provide short-term relief: criticism externalizes pain, contempt creates distance when closeness feels threatening, defensiveness protects against perceived attack, stonewalling prevents further escalation.
The problem isn't that these strategies exist. The problem is that they erode the relationship slowly, over time, in ways neither partner can always see clearly from inside the dynamic.
The Gottman research found that couples who eventually divorced showed significantly higher rates of all four Horsemen in their interactions compared to couples who stayed together. Not a little higher. A lot higher. And the gap widened over time.
The good news: each Horseman has a specific antidote. Not a generic communication tip, but a concrete alternative behavior that, when practiced consistently, changes the emotional temperature of the relationship.
Criticism: what it actually sounds like
The technical definition of criticism is an attack on a partner's character rather than a complaint about a specific behavior. But in practice it's harder to catch than that definition suggests, because it often sounds perfectly reasonable from inside your own head.
What criticism sounds like in real conversation
Partner A: "You never think about what I need. You only care about your own schedule."
Partner B: "That's not true. I asked you last week what you wanted to do this weekend."
Partner A: "You always do this. You make it about one example and then act like the pattern doesn't exist."
Notice what happened. Partner A started with a character claim ("you only care about your own schedule"), Partner B responded defensively, and the conversation immediately moved away from whatever the actual need was. By the third line, they're arguing about whether the pattern exists rather than what Partner A actually needed.
The tell of criticism is the words always and never, the you are framing rather than the I feel framing, and the way it makes your partner defend themselves rather than hear you.
Criticism also hides in tone. The same sentence said flatly and said with a particular edge can be complaint or criticism depending entirely on how it lands.
The antidote: Gentle startup. Instead of leading with what's wrong with your partner, lead with what you're feeling and what you need. "I felt frustrated when plans changed last minute. Can we talk about how to handle that better?" Same situation, completely different entry point. The Gottman research calls this a “gentle startup” and identifies it as one of the highest-impact skills in conflict de-escalation.
Contempt: the one that does the most damage
Contempt is the most researched of the Four Horsemen because it is the most predictive of relationship failure. In a landmark study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, John Gottman and Robert Levenson found that contempt in couple interactions predicted divorce with higher accuracy than any other variable they measured.
Contempt communicates superiority. It signals: I see you as beneath me. And unlike criticism, which can be repaired, contempt tends to accumulate in the relationship's emotional bank account in ways that are very hard to withdraw.
What contempt sounds like in real conversation
Partner A: "I can't believe you forgot the appointment again. Do you even care about this family?"
Partner B: "I had work. I forgot. I'm sorry."
Partner A: "Sure. You always have some excuse. It's fine. Whatever."
The contempt isn't in the words. It's in the "whatever." The dismissiveness. The sarcasm around "sure." The eye roll that goes with "it's fine." These micro-expressions carry the message more than any sentence does.
In 2025, contempt has evolved into digital forms that didn't exist when the original research was conducted. A partner who says nothing in the argument and then vents about it in a way the other person sees. The read receipt with no reply. The "fine" text that lands like a door closing. Contempt adapts to whatever medium is available.
What makes contempt uniquely damaging is that it is almost impossible to hear as information. Criticism, even delivered badly, is usually a complaint about something real. Contempt is a statement about worth. Nobody can receive that and feel safe enough to actually address what's underneath it.
The antidote: Building a culture of appreciation. The Gottman antidote to contempt is not the opposite of contempt in the moment of conflict. It's what happens between conflicts. Couples who regularly express genuine appreciation, notice what their partner does well, and maintain what the Gottmans call a "positive sentiment override" are significantly less likely to reach contempt during disagreements, because the underlying regard is strong enough to withstand frustration. Contempt flourishes in relationships where appreciation has become rare.
Defensiveness: why it makes everything worse
Defensiveness is almost always a response to criticism or perceived unfairness. And it feels completely justified from the inside. Of course you're going to defend yourself when you feel attacked. Of course you're going to point out that it takes two people to have a conflict.
The problem is that defensiveness reads to the other person as: you don't matter, your concern doesn't matter, and I'm more interested in being right than in hearing you.
What defensiveness sounds like in real conversation
Partner A: "You've been really distant lately. I feel like I can't reach you."
Partner B: "I've been working sixty-hour weeks. What do you want from me?"
Partner A: "I just want to feel connected."
Partner B: "I'm doing everything I can. I don't know what else you expect."
Partner B isn't wrong. They have been working sixty-hour weeks. That's real. But the response turns Partner A's bid for connection into a referendum on Partner B's effort level. By the end of that exchange, Partner A hasn't been heard, Partner B is more exhausted and resentful, and the original request for closeness is completely buried.
Defensiveness also shows up as counter-attacking: "You're one to talk." Deflecting: "I wouldn't do that if you didn't..." Playing the innocent victim: "I can't believe you'd say that after everything I've done." Each version moves the conversation away from the thing your partner is actually trying to tell you.
The antidote: Taking responsibility. Not for everything. Not falsely. But for whatever part of the situation you actually own. Even a small, genuine acknowledgment changes the dynamic. "You're right that I've been less present. I've been overwhelmed. Can we talk about what you need?" That response keeps the conversation open. Defensiveness closes it.
Stonewalling: it's not what you think it is
Stonewalling is the most misunderstood of the Four Horsemen, because it looks passive. One partner goes quiet. They leave the room. They give one-word answers. They stop engaging.
From the outside, this looks like indifference. From the inside, it's almost never indifference. The Gottman research found that people who stonewall during conflict show measurable signs of physiological flooding: elevated heart rate, increased cortisol, the same stress response the body produces in a genuinely threatening situation.
This finding, documented in research by Gottman and Levenson published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, reframed stonewalling from a character problem to a nervous system problem. Stonewalling is almost always the body's way of saying: I cannot stay in this conversation without making it significantly worse. It is protection, not punishment. The problem is that it is almost universally received as punishment.
What stonewalling sounds like in real conversation
Partner A: "Can we please talk about what happened last night?"
Partner B: "..."
Partner A: "I need you to say something. Anything."
Partner B: "There's nothing to say."
Partner A: "That's not fair. You can't just shut down every time things get hard."
Partner B is flooded. Their nervous system has hit a threshold and gone into protective shutdown. Partner A, reading the silence as rejection, escalates. The escalation makes Partner B more flooded. The shutdown deepens. Both partners are now alone in the same room.
The couple on Love Is Blind or Married at First Sight who everyone is watching and thinking "just say something" is almost always in a stonewalling dynamic. One partner flooding, the other trying to break through by getting louder or more persistent, neither strategy working, the distance growing in real time on national television.
The antidote: Physiological self-soothing. The Gottman antidote to stonewalling is a genuine, agreed-upon break of at least twenty minutes, during which the person who is flooding does something that actually regulates their nervous system: exercise, breathing, something entirely unrelated to the argument. Not stewing. Not replaying. Actually downregulating. The break only works if both partners know it is a pause, not an abandonment, and if there is a clear commitment to return to the conversation. A break without that agreement is just a longer stonewall.
The pattern underneath the pattern
Here's what the Four Horsemen have in common that's more important than any individual definition: they all prevent the actual message from landing.
Criticism turns a need into an accusation. Contempt turns frustration into an attack on worth. Defensiveness turns a complaint into a debate about fairness. Stonewalling turns overwhelm into apparent indifference.
In every case, the thing one partner is actually trying to communicate never gets through. And in every case, the thing the other partner does in response makes it less likely to get through next time.
The Four Horsemen are not the problem. They are the symptom. The problem is that both people have something real to say and no way yet to say it that the other person can actually hear.
That's the work. Not eliminating the Horsemen by force of will. Building the capacity to say what you actually mean, and to hear what your partner is actually saying, in the moments when both of those things are hardest.
Recognizing is only the beginning
If you read this and recognized yourself in more than one Horseman, that's not a reason to be alarmed. It's a reason to be curious. Most couples who find themselves in recurring conflict are using multiple Horsemen without realizing it, often in response to each other's Horsemen, in cycles that are very hard to break from inside them.
The antidotes are real. They're learnable. And they work significantly better when both partners are working on them at the same time, with support, than when one person tries to implement them alone while the other continues as before.
If the patterns in this post sound familiar and you're wondering what it would look like to actually change them, I'd love to talk. I offer a free 15-minute consultation for couples in Florida, and I work virtually statewide. No pressure, no paperwork beforehand.
Frequently Asked Questions About the Four Horsemen in Relationships
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The distinction is in the target. A complaint is about a specific behavior: 'You didn't call when you said you would.' Criticism is about the person: 'You never think about anyone but yourself.' If your statement includes always, never, you always, you're the kind of person who, or any other character claim rather than a specific situational observation, it's likely criticism. The internal test: are you trying to solve a problem, or are you expressing something about who your partner fundamentally is? The first is a complaint. The second is criticism. Gottman-trained therapist Kristin Crumbley, LMHC, LMFT, works with couples in Florida to identify these patterns in real time.
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Most contempt doesn't happen during major arguments. It accumulates in smaller moments: the eye roll when your partner tells a story you've heard before, the sigh that communicates 'here we go again,' the dismissive 'okay' that closes a conversation rather than engaging with it, the way one partner speaks about the other to friends or family. The Gottman research found that contempt is particularly corrosive because it operates as a continuous signal about how one partner regards the other, not just in conflict but in the baseline of the relationship.
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No, and this is one of the most important things to understand about it. Research on physiological flooding during conflict, including work by Gottman and Levenson published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that many people who stonewall are genuinely overwhelmed at the level of their nervous system — elevated heart rate, stress hormones, the body's threat response activated. The withdrawal is protective, not strategic. Understanding this doesn't make stonewalling easier for the partner on the receiving end, but it does change what's needed in response: not more pressure, but a genuine agreed-upon break that allows actual downregulation.
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Yes. The research is clear that the presence of the Four Horsemen doesn't doom a relationship. What matters is the ratio: Research by Gottman, Coan, Carrere, and Swanson published in the Journal of Marriage and the Family found that stable relationships tend to maintain roughly five positive interactions for every negative one. Couples who use the Horsemen frequently but also maintain strong positive connection, genuine repair attempts, and emotional friendship can remain stable. What becomes more predictive over time is contempt specifically, and the absence of repair. Couples who can't seem to repair after conflict, or where one or both partners have given up trying, are at higher risk than couples who fight badly but recover well.
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It varies. Some couples begin catching the patterns within a few sessions because awareness itself creates a pause before the automatic response. More durable change, the kind that holds up when things are genuinely hard and both people are activated, typically takes longer. In Gottman-informed couples therapy in Florida, Kristin Crumbley, LMHC, LMFT, gives couples a specific and honest read on this after the initial assessment rather than a vague timeline. The work is building real capacity, not just understanding. Those are different timelines.
About the Author
Kristin Crumbley, LMHC, LMFT
Licensed Mental Health Counselor · Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist · Gottman-Trained · Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator
Kristin is the founder of Collected Connections Counseling and Consulting, a virtual therapy practice offering couples and individual therapy throughout Florida. She specializes in helping couples identify the communication patterns that are keeping them stuck — and build the capacity to do something genuinely different.
www.connectedandcollected.com · Virtual Couples Therapy Throughout Florida
